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June 07, 2005
Real Men vs Real Gamers
Today I came across something... truly special. I received (95th hand, I'm sure) an anonymous post from someone who wants to tell the Story of Life from a hardcore gamer perspective. Normally I read this stuff, laugh, and move along, but this one is so... well... just read it, you'll see
UPDATE! I found out where this came from. Originally posted by "Savage Henry" on The Heel Tribune.(source: The Heel Tribune)
And now, on to the story... entitled:
(Mario) Bros before Hoes
Sorry ladies, my princess is in another castle. I am not a stereotypical alpha male. You won't find me cruising around frat row with a gaggle of drunk girls on each arm, or 'rocking the dance floor' with my 'phat moves', or sitting in a greasy bar leering at people (I'm not 21 yet). I do not like football. In fact, I wear glasses and read science fiction on a daily basis.
That doesn't mean I don't get my share of the action. It just depends what kind of action you mean.
For you see, there's plenty of action in my life. I am a spaceship captain, a terrorist, a fierce medieval warrior, a futuristicky super-soldier, a vigilante gang member, and a race car driver. Hell, I'm all of these things in the same evening! Forget going outdoors – that is soo twentieth century. All my action lives on convenient little disks, and fit neatly into a console which fits neatly atop my big screen TV.
Now, don't get me wrong. I may be pasty-faced and a little flabby, but I'm no virgin. In fact, coming out of a relationship is what inspired me to write this article. I realized, as I was alternating between sobbing into my pillow and sobbing not into my pillow, that I'd lost focus in my life. I couldn't remember the last time I had smoked every other car on the track, or blew up a Covenant Elite with a plasma grenade. I looked at the calendar. Holy crap, it's May! I've been in committed relationships since December 2003! How could this happen?
Then it hit me: I had abandoned my bros, those guys that kept me going through thick and thin, hard times, loss of limbs, etc., all in the name of cheap, wild, unrestrained, dripping, screaming, orgasm-tastic sex. Uh......
Sorry, got distracted for a second. See how easy it can be to lose sight of the things that really matter?
Like too many others, I had abandoned Mario and Luigi, patron saints of single men everywhere, for paltry excitements in the real world, or as I like to call it, that place you can't shoot things all the time or drive really fast or even fly.
Now that I have freed myself from the clutches of the opposite sex, I can reform my heretical ways. My first penance was to play videogames. Sounds easy for a penance? Damn straight it is, that's why I'm choosing Mario Bros. over hoes from now on.
Think about it. Anyone can get a girlfriend if they try – I'm living proof of that. But how many people can say they got 25 headshots in a round, or vaporized an entire enemy fleet unscathed, or rescued Daisy in less time than it takes to order pizza? Not too many, you're right.
I challenge anyone else who knows the pure rush of ecstasy that is victory over 8 to 1 odds at Soul Calibur II to honestly say they'd rather be dealing with someone else's PMS. Trust me, it's not worth it.
So from now on I've got my priorities straight. Girls, I know you crave my hot, muscular thumbs, light green skin tone, and near-sighted squint, but I'm taken. Videogames make life worth living. Super Mario Bros., take me home.
— Anonymous;
WOW!
That's really all I can say about this little treatise... It is hiliarious in a definitely-could-be-real sort of way, and it's somewhere between infinitely profound and truly... pathetic.
Either way, it was worth the read, ne?
— The Shelanman
Posted by andrew at 04:27 PM | Comments (0)
June 03, 2005
The Apple P.R. Machine Wins Again
Apple's ability to manipulate the emotions of the press and Ye Faithful Yet Few continues to amaze me.
About 6 months ago, a friend of mine went to the Apple Store, because their then-18-month-old iPod didn't work. No matter what you did, you just got the Apple logo... no combination of button-pushing would provide any useful results.
The Apple Genius (their term, not mine), said that they don't repair iPods, and he should throw it away and buy a new one. Erm... $299 - $499 is a lot to pay for non-durable technology! I mean, that's the tactic you take with cellular phones, but they cost more like $59 - $99 (unless you choose to pay the "no-contract" tax)
Needless to say, my friend didn't buy another iPod. He considered selling the broken one to Dell for a $49 discount on one of their MP3 players...
Well, today I saw this article on Yahoo! News. It would seem that Apple has decided that they will gladly take back broken iPods now, and at no extra charge recycle them for you. And if you decide you want to replace that device-that-shouldn't-have-died, they'll give you a 10% discount off retail price!
Could you imagine if, say, Fry's Electronics, decided that when your components failed long before their time, they'd throw 'em out for you, and even give you a tiny discount should you want a replacement part? The press would say more like Fry's Electronics Rips Off Consumers -- Won't Replace Defective Parts That Died Before Their Time"
OK, so perhaps the press wouldn't care what Fry's did -- but still, you wouldn't see members of the press heaping boundless praise upon them for such an act!
— The Shelanman
Posted by andrew at 10:57 AM | Comments (0)