State of the Shelanman

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October 16, 2006

Misadventures in Cooking, Part II

Continued from Misadventures in Cooking, Part I

So, I awoke Tuesday morning, to the not-necessarily-uplifting sound of Luca Turilli blasting over the iPod. (hey, whatever works, right?) Once I shook off the crazy dreams, I jumped up out of bed, eager to get the day going. After all, today I was going to become awesome-gourmet-chef-Shelanman, instead of just usual always-eat-out-somewhere-Shelanman.

Off to work I went, where I was only somewhat successful at getting the picture and imagined smell of dinner out of my head. What can I say, I like my food. (Hey, you haven't seen my family talk about food, have you? Under the right circumstances, the conversation over an upcoming meal could run for hours.)

While I was working, I inevitably strayed over to google... where I asked about knives... I knew I wanted a good set. Well... did Google ever have a story for me... a set of 8 knives could run as high as $2500! Worse, though, all the sets under $200 looked cheap. Hoo boy... this cooking thing wasn't going to be cheap... maybe I'd better reconsider. No Way! I was not going to give up so easily! Besides... my birthday is coming up. Maybe I can suggest some cutlery as a good gift. But that meant waiting 3 more weeks.

The decision was taken from me for the moment though, as work ran late... in what would turn out to be a week full of long and tiring (good and successful, but long and tiring) days. Alas, but becoming awesome-chef-Shelanman had to wait... until... Saturday!

I awoke Saturday morning eager to begin my new adventure. I had taken stock of the kitchen, and made a list of gear and gadgets I needed, and ran off to shop. I swear, the entry seemed simple enough "good large skillet, with lid" But what the hell is a good skillet. Is it non-stick? Teflon? NSF Certified? Stainless Steel? Anodized Aluminum? "Infused-Anodized?" (I'm not sure what it is that's anodized, or what it's infused with... that's just what the $120 skillet said on the box...)

After much consultation with people who cook, I decided on a Hard-Anodized-Aluminum Non-Stick skillet that happened to be on sale for $40. For cutlery... I settled on a spiffy set of J. A. Henkels knives, because they came with a set of steak knives for just $10 extra as a bonus (and because several people had recommended that brand -- though I couldn't tell what made one line better or worse than another).

Off I went through the kitchen gadgets, faithfully buying everything on my list... and everything else that looked useful "ooh! cool spinning spice rack. Comes with all the spices already! add it to the pile!

Well... at the checkout counter, they tallied my results... after about 2 and a half hours of somewhat frustrating (too many options, not enough knowledge) shopping, I'd spent $450 on kitchen goodies! Yeaouch!!! Ah well.. now for the funner part: buying all the foods to make my dinners.

Off to the market I go. Down this aisle "hmm... I don't even know what pearl onions are... ooh, here they are" to "what's the difference between crushed chili, chili powder, and chili rub" which became "hmm... where to they keep the garlic, anyway" , and then "damn... the meat counter's closed already" , and then... eventualy "What the $%&#... they're out of lettuce and cauliflower!?!"

It's now about 9:30... I've been out buying stuff for like 5 and a half hours... I'm still missing like 15 ingredients... (everything from lettuce to shrimp, to a particular flavor of campbells soup to corn meal to something called Pancetta which turned out to be the Italian version of Canadian Bacon) but I've scoured the store, and they don't have any of them... So I head to the checkout counter, where I place my 50 different cans of stuff, piles of meat, packages of pasta on the conveyer, followed by the alcohol: 1 bottle cheap red wine (beef burgundy), one bottle cheap Chardonnay (shrimp soup), 1 bottle vodka (Penne A la Vodka), 1 bottle Kahlua (Kahlua chicken), 1 bottle dry vermouth (what, exactly *is* dry vermouth... anyway... for... something... I forget), and 1 bottle Jim Beam Bourbon (Bourbon Baked Beans).

The guy gives me this look... "well, what are you doing tonight" he asks, with a bit of a smirk on his face... Now... I admit, that is a rather bizarre selection of alcohol... 1 bottle of each, and not a good mix... certainly not the right collection for bringing to a party... but then, I wasn't going to a party... and you wouldn't bring a 50oz can of Swanson's Low Sodium Chicken Broth to a party either... or, at least, I wouldn't. So I look at the guy and say "actually, it's for cooking. He just rolls his eyes at the idiot who can't pick out liquor for a party and says "yeah... right." He shakes his head, removes the little security things from the top of the bottles, and says "got a Ralphs card? good... that'll be... $219.50"

!!

I just spent over $200 on ingredients to make seven dinners and I'm still missing all sorts of stuff And, to make matters worse, it's now 10:20... too late to start cooking dinner... and I'm too tired anyway... great, by the time I put all this away, it'll be too late to go anywhere but...

Yay! iHop! Cause It's So Tasty And Not Overpriced!

but it's "OPEN HOURS", according to the paper sign whose red "24" faded years ago...

Oh well, there's always... tomorrow... at least I only spent... oh... wait... I spent just a few bucks shy of $700 today... tomorrow, then...

to be continued

I'm going to keep going... I'll post again tomorrow -- daily until I catch up, then only when something interesting happens.

—The Shelanman

Posted by andrew at October 16, 2006 09:10 PM

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