State of the Shelanman

« Misadventures in Cooking, Part II | Main | Misadventures in Cooking, Part IV -- We're Getting There Now... »

October 23, 2006

Misadventures in Cooking, Part III

Sorry for the long delay... I somehow got sidetracked... so easy to do, I know.

So, last time, we ended with the sad, sad faded sign at the local iHop. Incidentally, that's the one near the John Wayne Airport here in Irvine. I've been there off-and-on since I moved here... I think they sometimes recognize me... anyway, they treat me pretty well, at least... they were very nice to me Saturday, which helped, because I felt like crap.

So.. on to Sunday! I've got the gear... LETS COOK!!!

So, I crack out my recipe list... what are we thinking... Aha! How about "Penne A La Vodka" -- penne pasta in a vodka-tomato-cream sauce. To be served with "Killer Shrimp Soup" and some crusty french bread. Doesn't that sound delicious? (I'm telling you, the recipe book is cool... simple-seeming recipes that sound damn good)

I learned very quickly that cooking is much harder when doing 2 things at once... The sauce required paying attention to... the soup required paying attention to... the noodles... well. they need to be stirred every 2 minutes and dumped out in 10. Sounds simple, but I was running back and forth across my (smallish) kitchen going nuts trying to keep up with the different timers and getting all the ingredients in the right pans, and remembering which spoons had gone in what. And where did I put... oh, over there...

It's kind of a shame my roommate wasn't here... he missed a hell of a show... it was just me, but it was an absolute mad house.

So... the sauce... dice some pancetta (I tell ya, the guy at Gelsons knows his stuff... I asked for the pancetta sliced kinda thin -- he said "your recipe's gonna want you to dice it... you don't use sliced pancetta" so he made thickish slices that would be kinda-ok if you diced it, but still ok if you left it as slices. smart guy. And pancetta is expensive -- good thing I only needed 3 oz... at something like $15.99/lb...) brown it in olive oil... mix in some vodka... some sauce... some cream... some parmesan. That's actually it, though on Sunday it seemed really, really hard to do.

The soup... well... the recipe seemed strange, but I don't really know... so... I'll just do what it says. Chardonnay and Clam Juice, chicken broth and red pepper... Oh No! My new spice rack doesn't have red pepper flakes... uhmm... let's try chili powder. OK... back on track... next... Italian Seasoning... sounds vague, but it's in the spice rack -- I checked -- and some pepper... and a big scoop o' garlic (yum!) mix, stir, boil, stir, ... OK, now for some Condensed Cream of Shrimp soup.

In went the soup. I was supposed to stir slowly, allow the condensed soup to decondense and thicken/make creamy the soup. Well... that's not exactly what happened. What happened instead was that the condensed soup goo (condensed soup is basically soup concentrate with a gelatinous consistency... becomes creamy in hot water) simply broke in to small pieces and floated around the pot. So, I made it hotter... stirred faster... used a fork instead of a spoon to stir... After about an hour (and with about half of the not-actually-a-soup-nasty-liquid on my, I gave up. Into the sink it went.

Oh Crap! The Noodles! (Actually, I remembered them long before the hour... don't worry... but I was a few minutes late). They were only slightly overcooked. So, I grab the collander, and dump out the penne. Out of the old crappy pasta pot comes the penne... and then the "non-stick" coating... That's right, folks! The teflon coating on the pot stuck to the noodles (and not the bottom of the pot) and ended up in the collander. Great! I can't eat teflon! It causes cancer! (I know, everything causes cancer... but do you want to eat teflon-encrusted penne? didn't think so). So, into the trash goes all but a single large handful of my noodles.

Fortunately, however, I gave up on the soup before dumping in the cooked-peeled-ready-to-eat shrimp. So, into my bowl went the handful of noodles, then a small handful of shrimp. Then I poured on the Vodka sauce, said a little prayer (well, actually, I probably said something like "this damn sauce had better be good").

And I sat down, depressed, to eat.

The thoughts running through my head went something like this: "$250 of ingredients... 7 dinners... that's $35 apiece... Great... I just wasted like $30 on this crap"

So... I viciously stabbed some noodles with my fork, and stuck it in my mouth. Damn! that sauce is awesome. Over the following 10 minutes, I regained some of my calm, as I enjoyed what ultimately became an awesome shrimp-cocktail-like appetizer.

Afterwards, my brain did the following unhappy math... "$35 worth of ingredients... became an appetizer... sure, and awesome one... so... $10? $12? Net Loss: $23-25"

To make matters worse, it's now... you guessed it... after 10:00. And I've only had an appetizer. I'm hungry still! Damn it, I'm going to get an ice-cream sundae... I need it... Wait... it's late... great... you know what that means

Yay! iHop! Cause It's So Tasty And Not Overpriced!

Damn it! Again!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yes, that's right... iHop it is.

For the record, although the sundae tasted pretty bad (not enough fudge), it made me feel much better. Well, it and the cup of coffee.

So, I came home, exhausted -- mentally, anyway -- and decided to go to sleep.

Thus concludes Misadventures: Part III.

There's more... one more episode worthwhile has already occurred... then I'll be caught up to the present... should be up tomorrow, but we'll see.

until then, I leave you with this excellent quote from Warren Buffet that has nothing to do with food, except possibly on being able to afford more of it:

"If you can eliminate the government as a 39.6% partner, then you will be much better off."

— Warren Buffet

— The Shelanman

Posted by andrew at October 23, 2006 10:23 PM

Comments

Post a comment